Against Love
I wrote a book called Against Love. Some noted that it wasn’t so much against love as it was against marriage. It’s actually a very romantic book. However, the people it romanticised were adulterers attempting to escape the confines of domestic monogamy. They were striking out in bands of rebels and insurgents to create new cultures.
Throughout history, love became incorporated into institutions, which led to societal norms surrounding monogamous marriage and domestic coupledom. Although people wanted this monogamous norm, they eventually tried to resist and rebel against it.
Twenty years ago, when I wrote Against Love, I was interested in the defiance of those norms. I also felt more able to generalise about love than I do now. Sure enough, I think these things play out differently generationally. Over time, those norms have changed to some extent.
These changes are mainly economic. For instance, millennials are saddled with student debt in the United States. They are increasingly jobless and will be more so after the pandemic. If they don’t have full-time jobs, they generally don’t have health insurance. For this and other reasons, they can’t even think about having children.
These days, the path by which people live their lives – fall in love, get married, procreate – is no longer the same for this younger generation. As such, you see a revival in the old ways people organise their personal lives. There has been an explosion in polyamorous lifestyles and thruple living arrangements.
People are also experimenting more with gender fluidity. This means that gender position is more important than sexuality for young people. Gender is the place to explore freedom, where sex is more passé.
Eclipsing sexuality
It’s interesting to consider whether sexuality has indeed been eclipsed by gender. At least on campuses, I believe this is very much the case. I think that sexual freedom is taken as a given, and I don’t see much interest or activism around sex.
The activism you do see is around gender. There is a growing number of people declaring themselves non-binary, gender-fluid and so on. There is also the rise of trans culture and trans studies. This has occurred as non-binary people question the gender binary. Overall, there’s a lot of activity around gender, and how that influences sexuality is very variegated.
Tech and surveillance
I wrote about adultery before the advent of cell phones. Changes in technology have made a difference in how people conduct their private, romantic and extra-marital lives. For instance, there’s been much more surveillance recently. In fact, there has been so much that it has changed the norms of communication. It’s hard to imagine not knowing a significant other’s location at any moment. Even before the pandemic, many people had apps that informed them of their partner’s location.
In addition to this, I think emotional affairs are more common than they used to be. People talk about work spouses a great deal, and that relationship can become romantic. Despite the effects of technology, infidelity is more frowned upon in modern American culture than in other cultures.
I wrote Against Love at the tail end of the Clinton years. At that time, infidelity and adultery were very much part of the cultural conversation. Yet, it seems to be less so now.
For one, fewer people are staying together for financial reasons. Although it’s hard to generalise because the data is poor, it implies that unhappily married couples are more likely to divorce than have affairs. Regardless, I sense that adultery, in the context of marriage, feels more like a betrayal now than it did before.
Over the last century, there has been the rise of companionate marriage. This corresponds to women’s emancipation and their increasing financial independence. This affects people’s private lives and the opportunities they have. Overall, I believe women are significantly less likely to stay in a marriage that’s unhappy or when there’s infidelity.
Modern love
I think romance is probably more difficult now than it ever was. I wrote a piece recently about seduction and whether or not it’s finished. Perhaps unfortunately, what used to be seen as seductive behaviour is now seen as creepy. After all, seduction implies that you are trying to gently persuade someone to do something that they wouldn’t have done of their own volition.
This is striking because there used to be a great desire to be seduced. Just consider how romance literature is littered with stories about a woman’s will being overcome by some man she first thought was despicable. The popularity of this genre, in this form, is likely on the wane in the current culture.
Terms and conditions
Furthermore, an emphasis on informed consent has spread from campuses to corporate culture. The notion of doing something to someone they haven’t agreed to previously is no longer viable. There is no room to be taken by surprise or to be surprised by your desires.
Indeed, relationships are increasingly contractual. There is also the rise of dating apps where users swipe whichever way to indicate their interest. That’s a quasi-contract in a sense. Overall, there’s more contractualism in terms of relationships now and less of a desire to be surprised.
Domestic coupledom
When I was writing Against Love, I considered how much pressure there is to be in love or to have a love life. Popular culture – songs, movies, rom-coms, and so on – is composed of various mechanisms to enforce the notion that love is what you want. This is likely because coupledom is a socialising mechanism for adults.
People are socialised initially when they are young. For instance, as a child, you’re toilet trained. In a sense, domestic coupledom is a long-term extension of toilet training. Indeed, individuals in a committed relationship live in an enclosed space with someone telling them what they can and can’t do, what they should and shouldn’t eat and so on.
Moreover, when you start thinking of coupledom as a disciplinary mechanism, you realise it’s not necessarily top-down. As Foucault noted, this corrective measure has been incorporated into the fabric of institutions and daily life. It’s easy to realise how much pressure there is to conform. As such, I think coupledom is a disciplinary mechanism for behaviour and personality.
